What I’d Been Looking For

Forever questioning ourselves; who we are, what we want to be, when will that be, and how do we get there?

I am now at the beginning of a three year adventure.  It’s great finally belonging somewhere, having somewhere to go everyday and doing something I enjoy.

Last year I was in a limbo, what felt like somewhere between my ‘University’ chapter and my ‘professional training’ chapter.  I didn’t know where I was, and I wasn’t sure whether I would get to, what I hoped would be my next chapter.

I felt as though my future was in the hands of others.  I knew I could be successful without everyone accepting me, but what about the people with the power to decide my future.  What qualifications do they have that gives them the right to throw away my plans for my future?

I could make the best impression I could.  Giving my guess at what they were looking for.  I couldn’t tell how the admissions staff were going to take that.  Ultimately I had to accept that the next stage of my life would be determined by someone else’s decision.

Last year I felt even worse than when I had applied to University.  I was applying to professional performing arts training courses knowing that this is what I truly wanted to do with my life and if I wasn’t accepted I would be full of regret for not applying when I was younger.  There were so many questions I had to answer.  Why did you not apply straight out of school? Are you truly committed? Did you fail? This route is not a back up option.  I knew why I made the decisions I did.  I needed University and wasn’t ready for a full time immersive course.  I had to, as cheesy as it sounds ‘find myself’.  Of course I know it isn’t a back up option, that’s why I didn’t apply in the first place, I couldn’t give the course the attention it needed when I was 18.  I needed to work on myself before I could work on being other people.  And no, I didn’t fail I chose to leave I was not forced. 

This was the hardest decision I had ever made, constantly justifying it to people was draining.  Ultimately I knew my reasons, it made the audition process hard, but for me I was mentally prepared to start my training.  Although it doesn’t seem like it, in the end it  is only your opinion that truly matters.  However I am plenty guilty of letting others opinions get the best of me.

If you feel the pressure to decide your future remember there isn’t a time limit.  Yes, if you get started now you can move forward faster, but you need to move in the right direction.  Until you know what that direction is, take a break and breathe.  Think about what your passions are, if that’s not obvious take time to find something you can’t live without.  It took me giving up what made me me, to realise that, that was me.  I was scared that I was defined by what I had always done and that I had nothing else.  Now, I realise that I was lucky to have found something I was passionate about at such a young age.

There are no limits to what you can love or who you can be, but there is limited time, spend it wisely, doing things you love, and finding things to love.


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