Trusting is a hard thing for me. I am instantly wary of everyone. It takes a long time to earn my trust. It’s more than that though. I’m sceptical of any new people in my life. It’s getting better but often I will have had a great conversation or have a great time with a new person and I think to myself, what are they hiding? I question why they just spent that time with me? Was there an ulterior motive? Do they actually enjoy spending time with me? Then I feel uncomfortable. I revert into myself and cease being able to communicate normally. I feel more like a mute.
Throughout school that is probably the best word to describe myself-mute. I wasn’t quiet or timid, not once I was comfortable. But it took so long to feel comfortable that I’d missed out on connections with people who had moved on, who were bored and who didn’t understand.
Now I have learnt that I should try and let my true self out from the start. If they don’t like me that’s their problem. Better to find people who like the real me than feel uncomfortable and put a wall up to those that don’t even know me. It’s protection, I don’t want to be hurt. I’ve been hurt before and left alone with no one.
I have great friends now who know the real me and I can be completely myself around. However moving to a new city and starting University has been hard. I have managed to let go of this wall and be myself most of the time. But there are days when I want to go to my friends and family who have seen all sides to me and who have loved me for that.
I’m sure as I get to know people better here they will be able get to know the whole me, the true me. That’s when I will know I have true friends here. I will be able to be myself and feel completely comfortable that whatever weird and wonderful things I do or come out with, I will be accepted.
I am no longer that mute teenager, my protective shield isn’t always up, but there is still work to do to bring it completely down. I know life will be better that way. Yes, sometimes I will get hurt, but that’s part of life, it makes you stronger. I want to be hurt and experience different emotions. I think because I have a great safety base in my friends I am more open to doing that now.
My mind is in a better place. I know these things about myself and I know how I want to be. Now I just have to put it into practice.
Until next time,